Positive Discipline A-Z

1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems

By Jane Nelsen

Review by Eileen Joy

Normally I stay well away from books like these, tick-box solutions don't really fit into a holistic approach, one that caters for individuality. However, I had read Nelsen's fabulous book "Positive Time Out," so I knew that Nelsen was no Super Nanny, so I thought I would take a dip into a "solutions" book.

Nelsen does not approve of punitive measures to punish children, she believes in Positive Discipline, something she says has an emphasis on "firmness and kindness, and on providing respect for both adults and children". The book is alphabetically arranged into handy-to-refer to sections based upon the situation. I found this helpful because whilst a lot of my other books are uplifting and fill me with positive messages about parenting they are hard to refer to in the heat of the moment when I need someone right now.

I applaud Nelsen for advising parents to help their children to create a "Positive Time Out" space for children, a space for them to cool down when upset or angry, a place they can choose to go to rather than being forced to go to. This sort of approach helps children to regulate their own emotions within a space that they feel comfortable and with an adult that they feel safe with. This against being forcibly abandoned for a set period of time within an adult sanctioned space.

Her emphasis on techniques like reflective listening, opportunities to learn and preparation rather than reaction make the book a great tool to just flick through. Because she doesn't spend a long time on the "why" and the psychology of it, it can seem a little light in places, but hey, there are other books that go into that in depth and that's not the aim of an A-Z so I will let her off here.

I was really impressed with the fact that she is clear about what sort of praise is effective for children and what is not. She reminds us that praise is an external motivator, functioning like a bribe, and that what we are really wanting as parents is for our children to be intrinsically motivated to want to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do, not because they are going to be praised, or get a sticker, or dessert, or a trip to the park. Nelsen instead promotes encouragement, praising our children for their effort, not their ability, and making non-evaluative statements about what they are doing rather than stamping a parental judgement upon it.

My big criticism of Nelsen, and it's a biggie, is that she advocates sleep training. She says that if you want to have a family bed, and you chose it, then she respects that. However she counters it later by constantly asserting that children need to be taught self reliance and independence and that by learning to sleep by themselves they will achieve this. She refers to this as like weaning and in her weaning section (which refers to weaning off bottles, dummies and breast) she goes so far as to suggest that if it feels good to you, meaning letting your child have their comfort item, it might be unhealthy for them, but if you feel uncomfortable about it, it might just be the most loving thing you can do and it's best in the long run. Asking parents to ignore their parenting instinct is certainly not something I would ever be in favour of.

In conclusion, it's a tricky one, it's not a book I would wholeheartedly endorse, as Nelsen gives mixed messages about respecting children and not respecting children. For me this book shows what a minefield the whole genre of "Parenting Books" is. There are some really positive messages in Nelsen's book, however some bits left me feeling a bit cold, like she wasn't following through on her own philosophy. On the whole, if you're just looking for an A-Z that mostly ticks the boxes (and you're happy to ignore some sections), then this would work for you. If you want something more in depth and consistent, then steer clear.