First of all let me dispel some Myths

Myth One: There is no one ‘best’ nappy. Certainly there are nappies that outperform others but as with disposable nappies different brands and makes will suit different families and different babies. A baby with chubby little legs will fit a different nappy from one with long slender legs. Some babies require a different nappy in the morning compared to at night. There are variables.

Myth Two: To ‘do’ cloth nappies properly you need one system, or a big outlay to get lots of nappies at once. It’s perfectly okay to have a variety of nappies and it’s okay to put a collection together piecemeal.

Myth Three: You have to get up close and personal with a lot of poo. Well, okay, it’s kinda true, you WILL have to get up close and personal with poo, but no more than you do with disposables.  In some situations, because of cloth nappies superior explosion containment it’s possible you have to deal with less poo overall. Lets face it, babies at their most basic level are an entry point with an exit point and for the first little bit we kind of run both ends regardless of nappy choice.

Myth Four: Cloth nappies are just as bad for the environment as disposable nappies. This one has been truly dispelled and was promoted initially by (surprise, surprise) disposable nappy manufacturers. They funded the research behind the claim, which fails entirely to include the environmental burden of producing the nappies let alone how they are disposed of and it largely over estimates the cost to make, wash and care for cloth nappy systems.

Myth Five: It’s one or the other baby! This is a silly myth. You can use mostly cloth and a few disposables or mostly disposables and a few cloth. It’s okay to find a balance that suits you. Even using one cloth nappy will save you $300 over 2.5 years and up to 310kg in landfill waste.

Myth Six: Cloth nappies cause rash. There is more evidence to show that disposables can cause rash but at the end of the day any nappy will cause rash if left wet and dirty on baby’s bottom.  Some babies can react to certain fabrics cloth nappies, most commonly the synthetic fibres, which is why it is good to check out a few styles and brands first. Cloth nappies don’t leach chemicals which is nice. The biggest factors for nappy rash are detergent build up, shop bought wipes, and lingering candida in the cloth. By washing correctly and avoiding packet wipes you reduce your risk of nappy rash exponentially. Bare bum time it also good.

So what do you need to know about cloth nappies?
Which ones?  Choosing cloth nappies can be tough, a lot of them are pretty big investments with no guarantee they will suit. There are four basic types of nappies, fitted, All in Ones (AIO), All in twos (AI2) prefolds, and pockets. Which ones you go for will depend entirely on your needs.

Fitted nappies: These are basically a ‘fitted’ absorbent layer used with waterproof covers. They are put on in two stages, the inner and then the outer. The benefit of fitted nappies is that they are easy to wash and dry, and are the most secure in terms of leakage and explosions. The cons being that they are not always the cheapest, they are fiddly to get on during quick changes or onto wriggly bottoms. Fitted nappies make great night nappies in terms of absorbency and long lasting but they can be tricky to change in the dark! Fitted nappies are often the bulkiest.

Crib notes – Get fitted nappies if you value absorbency and ‘washability’ most more than trim fit and prettiness. Fitted nappies tend to last longer than AIO’s and pockets because the covers are separate.

AIO’s/AI2’s/Pockets: These are different types but I categorised them the same because there are so many similarities. They both have the waterproof cover included and come effectively in ‘one piece’, all in ones are exactly as they sound, All in twos are similar but the absorbent layers snap into the nappy. Pocket ones have a ‘pocket’ where you can stuff the absorbent layers in. This gives the pocket and the AI2 an edge over the AIO because it is quicker to wash and dry. AI2’s can have the shell reused if it is not soiled but pocket nappies need to be replaced each change, the upside is that pockets can have their absorbency customised simply by adding inserts. AIO’s, AI2’s and pockets are great for quick changes and also tend to be the trimmest fitting because they are so tailored.

Crib notes -These are usually the cutest ones but I find them the least absorbent and the most painful to wash and get dry. Get AIOs and pockets if you love cute designs and want ease of use.

Prefolds: Are by far the cheapest option. The system is basically a pile of flat nappies that are super absorbent which you fold into three (other folds include the angel wing and the jelly roll) and use inside waterproof covers. If you are on a budget and using cloth nappies for the savings then prefolds are the way to go. You can also go super old school and use flat nappies which are folded origami style and used with covers or pilchers. The main downside of using old fashioned folded nappies is going back to safety pins. Which scare me! Luckily someone clever designed the snappi which is still a little scary but a lot easier to use.

Crib notes – Prefolds are the cheapest system and easiest to wash, about as easy to use as fitted nappies if not a touch easier. Use these nappies if you are price conscious!

A little note on covers…

The most common cover nowadays is a PUL (polyurethane laminated fabric) cover but you can also get minky or fleece covers and if you want to go really old school, wool pilchers. I used to be mystified on how these kept baby dry, but it’s all to do with relative absorbency. It’s kind of like mulch on your garden, they work because the outer layer is less absorbent than the inner layer even though both are technically absorbent.

Fastenings – Snaps or Velcro?

Velcro is easier to use but it fluffs up in the wash and wears out, snaps are a little trickier but are much more resilient to washing. Velcro can also cause your nappies to pill if included in the wash and who hasn’t pulled a Velcro monster out of the washing machine where one piece of unfastened Velcro has attached to every piece of clothing. This can damage your nappies!
Snaps in two rows gives a much better fit than snaps in one row.

Boosters, Inserts, liners?

Liners are a non absorbent liner which protects baby’s bottom and helps keep balm and solid waste off of the nappy. You can have reusable cloth ones or flushable paper/fabric ones.

An insert typically goes inside pocket nappy  or snaps into an AI2 and is the absorbent layer. You can double them up for extra absorbency and overnight use. Prefolds can do double duty as inserts if you have a mixed set.

Boosters are typically used between the nappy and the baby as an additional absorbent layer, some boosters have a liner side to protect baby’s skin. Boosters are sometimes also referred to as doublers.

How many?

For full time nappies the least you could get away with is 7-8 nappies but you would be washing and drying overnight and if you ever missed a load, had a rainy day or a busy bottom you would be caught short. The best estimate is 15-20 nappies , with 30 giving you a nice buffer so you don’t have to wash every day.

Night nappies.

A more absorbent nappy which is usually bulkier and can be doubled up with extra boosters.

Okay, so what’s it gonna cost me?

For a set of prefolds or flat nappies and covers you might spend $50 for the inner prefolds or flat nappies and $15+ per cover. You could easily get away with 3-5 covers though you’ll have to upgrade in size as baby grows at least once. So a full system could cost you $100-$150

For fitted nappies you will pay $20-$30 per nappy plus covers, you could get away with 15-20 inners and 3-5 covers. So you will be spending  $345-$645 for a full system. If you are not getting OSFA (One Size Fits All) sizing then you may need to do this outlay twice.

For AIO/pockets you will spend $30-$40 per nappy and could get away with 15-20 nappies, though if they take ages to dry you may want more. No covers needed. So you will spend $450-$800 on a full system. If you are not getting OSFA nappies then you may need to do this outlay twice.

Nappies tend to have a pretty good resale if well treated, so this can be calculated into their cost if you are business minded. Some brands sell for up to 70% plus of their resale value.  If you have more than one child then any savings will be amplified.  2 Children halves the cost, 4 children quarters it and so on. You must care for them well to make them last the distance though.

If you are low on funds and are not sure what is going to suit then you can always hire a nappy system.

How do you protect resale value? Always wash them as per the manufacture instructions. Avoid tumble drying and use sensitive or eco washing powders that are gentle on fabric. Certainly don’t tumble dry pockets or AIO’s or any nappy with waterproofing. Don’t soak your nappies for long periods of time and don’t use excessive amounts of barrier cream and balm. Make sure you strip wash your nappies every so often and try not to leave them sitting dirty for long periods of time.

By the same token you can build a nice collection using second hand nappies from online auction sites but you have to be prepared to ask the hard questions and deal with the occasional dud.

Buying hints and Tips: Buying nappies is a tricky thing to navigate. Do your research and if possible talk to people who have the nappies you want.

Don’t buy whole sets in one go unless you are certain that they are the nappy for you. It’s okay to buy a few different brands to see what works for you before splashing out.

Online nappy groups often have a huge pool of collective wisdom, join a few to get an idea of what brands are good and how well they last. Just be wary, it can be the beginning of addiction… 

Check with your local council to see if they have a cloth nappy incentive, many councils subsidise or offer cheap nappy packs to new parents to reduce land fill. Our council has an agreement with the cloth nappy lady where $20 gets you $150 worth of nappies. Well worth it!

Getting OSFA or OSFM(one size fits most)  nappies will make your purchase more cost effective. There is no point in buying a whole system in size small only to have baby grow out of them in 3 months.

Cost is not always an indication of quality, nappies may be pricey and expensive but not perform. Again get one or two to road test before deciding to get a lot. Sometimes the very cheapest nappies will be the best for you!

Be very careful of buying secondhand from online auction sites as often it is hard to tell how well the nappies have been cared for. In many cases they can have buildup, be wearing in the elastic, getting ‘crunchy’ or be delaminated. Don’t be afraid to ask the seller questions to ascertain the condition of the nappy.

If you buy second hand then make sure you do a strip wash with antifungal such as canesten or teatree. My son once got ringworm from a dodgy online sale.

Different nappies for different times, night nappies are different from daytime nappies and leaving the house nappies will differ from stay at home nappies. Mum may prefer one type and dad may prefer another.
Be wary of bulk cheap nappies that are sold by import traders, often they are poor quality and poor absorbency. Get one or two first before spending a lot on a big set.

Local WAHM (Working at Home Mum)  businesses usually produce quality products that they stand by, they are usually made in New Zealand and you are supporting mothers like yourself. They also tend to have the cutest designs!

Hiring nappy packs is often a great way of ‘road testing’ nappies to see which ones suit your needs. It is also a cost effective way of bridging the gap when you have a smaller baby and will use the smaller sizes which don’t last very long.

As a rule natural fibres are nicer on baby’s bottom and more absorbent  but take longer to dry. Manmade fibres are cheaper and dry more quickly but are less absorbent and can sometimes cause rashes.

Care Hints and Tips: Looking after your nappies means they will last the distance, a well looked after nappy has a good resale value as well.

Consider using disposables for the first few weeks with your newborn baby. Meconium can be rough on nappies and a hard stain to remove. Even if it is just discoloration this will put off some buyers if you intend to on-sell.

Most nappies won’t reach full absorbency for 3-4 washes, if you find they are leaking after one wash try washing them again before giving up on them.

PUL covers and bamboo fibres do not respond well to soaking and vinegar. Dry pailing nappies is the best way to preserve their integrity. Don’t know what dry pailing is? Putting your nappies in a bucket with no liquids, please use a lid. Some nappy retailers sell deodorizers but a few drops of teatree oil do the job just as well. The only nappies that should be soaked are flats and some fitteds. Boosters and inserts can be soaked as well.

Do not put pockets, covers or outers in the dryer, they can delaminate which makes them useless. Delamination is when the PUL starts to separate meaning it is no longer waterproof.

If your nappies start to smell funky or start losing absorbency then it’s time for a strip wash.  You can strip wash by using a warm cycle and gently rubbing the ‘bum zone’ with detergent or sard wonder soap. Any nappy with waterproofing  shouldn’t be hot washed as it can delaminate them. Different nappies or washing powders may have different strip wash instructions. People may suggest vinegar or baking soda to strip wash which work fine but just be aware that they can damage PUL and bamboo so only use on cottons and other fibres. The occasional strip wash is nothing to write home about though.

If you use balms and creams then it is well worth while to use liners or lined boosters to protect your nappies. You can also get balms that don’t contribute to build up, such as the grovia magic stick.

Sunshine is the best stain remover and disinfectant available, hanging nappies on the line is the best care for them but it can leave natural fibres a little stiff. To combat this you can shove them in the dryer for the last 10 minutes of drying and this will leave them soft.

Do not wash with fabric softener, you will kill the absorbency.

The best nappy washes are soap nuts and rockin green. Eco washing powders are great too but if they are plant based they can scum up your washing machine over a period of time. An occasional hot wash with detergent on an empty cycle will help this.

If your water is hard you may need to double your washing powder.

Modern washing machines often gauge the weight of your laundry and ration water accordingly. If you have very soiled nappies then you may want to weight your load down with a wet towel to boost the water level a bit.

To conclude.

Cloth nappies are awesome, you should give them a whirl. And they are easier than you think. Use cloth nappy week as an excuse to try out a few styles. Get into it.

Our beautiful girl was born just over a year ago, while we were living overseas, after many hours of labour that resulted in an emergency caesarian. On her second night in hospital, the night nurse, frustrated perhaps at my regular bell ringing while she had a full ward to oversee on her own, gruffly suggested I give her formula to help her sleep.  I wanted to exclusively breastfeed for six months, but at that point – exhausted, sore and vulnerable – I said okay. She showed me how to use a bottle, and my little girl hungrily guzzled 10mls of standard formula then promptly fell asleep. The next day my milk came in and for the rest of our stay, the other nurses encouraged lots of nursing especially to help her jaundice clear.

After we bought her home, I realised how committed I was to breastfeeding – not really having thought too much of it beforehand. I loved watching her grow and the constant physical closeness. While it certainly wasn’t easy, it took me ages to get the hang of latching and positioning her against my large breasts and the right side hurt like hell for several weeks, but I persevered and grew more confident.

When she was maybe a month old, my husband and I noticed that her skin was very dry, especially on her torso and face. Our midwife told us this was normal as her skin adjusted to being outside the womb. We tried all sorts of oils and creams but nothing worked for more than a day or two. Our daughter was alert and happy, putting on weight and sleeping well so we kept up the moisturising while we waited for her to grow out of it.

Halfway during her fourth month, we moved back home to Auckland and straight away I took her to Plunket to get her weighed as she hadn’t felt like she had grown much. The first clue that something was up was when she hadn’t put on any weight since we left Australia, but we explained it away by saying she could have been unsettled with the traveling as well as the different weighing methods.  Around the same time I saw a GP for her skin and was prescribed a stronger strength steroid cream. I mentioned the possibility of a food allergy causing her eczema and was told not to be silly – this was just something some babies had. However, it wasn’t enough to shake an overwhelming instinct that I was beginning to feel, that every time I was feeding my daughter I was poisoning her  – a sobering thought when feeding your child every one to three hours. I found a new GP and luckily she agreed to run the RAST blood tests which would identify and measure the levels of IgE antibodies in her blood. These are the proteins made by the immune system associated with allergic reactions.

I no longer got comments from strangers on how beautiful my daughter was, and even friends looked a little dubious. As a mother does, I just saw my lovely baby, but looking back at photos now I see she was strong but thin with a large head, the skinniest legs and arms, swollen lymph nodes, cradle cap and weeping eczema on her cheeks.

Her test results came through on the same day we weighed her again to find she had lost 400g, a sign that something was wrong. She had dropped from around the 25th to the 3rd percentile within 6 weeks and was deemed Failure to Thrive.

The RAST results showed that she was severely allergic to dairy, eggs and peanuts (as well as cats and dogs).  A food allergy is basically when the immune system overreacts to the protein in that food. Reactions can range from eczema to digestive issues to anaphylaxis, a potentially fatal systemic shutdown of the body if not treated immediately.

We saw a private specialist, one of the best. He wanted me to stop breastfeeding, to accept the best thing was to put her on an hypoallergenic formula called Neocate and bring her weight up quickly. I didn’t agree but then he suggested that I was likely in the 1% of women who just couldn’t produce sufficient quality breast milk to nourish and grow my child.  He also asked if my daughter was exclusively breastfed. At first I said yes, then I remembered and corrected myself, actually she had a very small amount of formula at two days of age. This was when I found out that he had seen a pattern with his young patients – many had received formula early and while it may be coincidence, there may also be something in it. Well, talk about guilt! I spent several days kicking myself for going against my original decision, and vowing to do what I could to help my daughter given I felt responsible for causing it.  This was my first defining moment as a breastfeeding mother I think.

The same day we saw a registered dietitian. Again she pushed Neocate onto us, and told me I needed to get her “hooked”. I protested but she told me I could look at re-establishing breastfeeding in a few months time, we just needed to get my daughter’s weight up first. So I left their offices that day with an agreement. I had two weeks to try it my way. If by the end of this time she hadn’t put on 700 grams, I would wean her onto Neocate.

Immediately I cut out the offending foods from my diet and spent literally hours on the internet while baby slept, reading hundreds of articles. Not only did I have to avoid what we knew she was allergic to, but also soy and fish/seafood to reduce the risk my daughter would become sensitized to those also.

After a few days of soul searching and speaking to Plunket, I decided to defer to what everyone had been telling me and give my daughter top-ups of Neocate so that she would put on weight. Everyone seemed happy at my decision to mix feed and she hungrily drank the bottles. My husband supported me no matter what I decided, but he also seemed happy he now had the opportunity to feed her as well from time to time.

Over the next six weeks I started giving her more and more formula until she was up to three bottles a day, our breastfeeds becoming quicker and shorter and it felt like a slippery slope.  I had a good hunch that breastfeeding an allergic child was the best thing to do for her, but it wasn’t until I decided to follow up on something I had read online that something changed. I had read about an alternative diet based around eating foods that would heal our guts, but to be really effective we’d have to ditch the formula. So after a few weeks, I did that – phasing out the Neocate by replacing it with bottles of mineral-rich chicken bone broth for her to sip on while also nursing as much as possible and trying to increase my supply.

Since then our whole lifestyle has changed considerably. I didn’t (and still don’t) consume any foods that contains milk products, eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, soy, gluten, shellfish, most fish and many grains. I contacted LLL to get advice and a few more hundreds of articles. It wasn’t just about cutting foods out, it was also about working out what foods and supplements we should incorporate. I ditched the dietitian after two sessions of not feeling listened to, and decided to work with a traditional foods nutritionist who educated me on the power of real food and who kept me motivated when it all just felt like too much work. Now instead of eating out, I have become somewhat of a kitchen maestro spending countless hours every week researching, shopping and preparing food. It prevents me from going back to paid employment work any time soon, but that’s okay – I have the best job in the world right now.

You have to be committed, courageous and tough to do this, you can no longer eat many of the foods you’ve merrily enjoyed for years. There is no just one bite of chocolate or one little peanut. And while I don’t generally miss the way I used to eat, some days I could weep with longing for a softly poached egg served with fresh bread and butter. That’s not to say occasionally accidents don’t happen. Many people don’t understand allergies or how serious they can be. We recently went to a local cafe for breakfast and carefully explained to our server what things my meal couldn’t contain. We know many cafes are great and willing to oblige, however despite nodding and saying reassuring things, we found out later she decided not to write anything on the docket that went into the kitchen. My meal came out with a gorgeous little pile of pan-fried mushrooms. It was only after I had one or two bites that I realized it was cream dripping from those mushrooms and dairy is my daughter’s highest scoring  allergy. Suffice to say, we had a lengthy conversation with the manager and our meals were left uneaten.

It took many months for my daughter’s skin to become soft and supple. It also took some time for us to accept our new reality. Some days are better than others. The reality of raising an allergic baby in today’s frantic world where so much of our food is based around convenience and profit, and constantly trying to explain this to others without sounding paranoid is difficult and sometimes lonely. A big part of me is also still angry that I received little support to keep breastfeeding… and yet another part is grateful for everything I have learnt about nutrition and health since.

At one year of age, my daughter is no longer underweight. In fact we weighed her earlier this week and she has just reached the 50th percentile in both height and weight for the first time ever. She has a willful, strong personality and loves feeding herself with the food I lovingly make for her and exploring different textures and tastes.

Her second lot of blood tests late last year showed a significant reduction in all three allergies however they all still fall in the moderate to severe categories. Her specialist knows that we are no longer using Neocate and he reserves his opinion other than to say the changes in results we saw in such a short time frame doesn’t happen often. I don’t plan on stopping breastfeeding any time soon and am grateful that for us, we have that option. I know of many babies who truly needed hypoallergenic formula to be healthy, and I’m glad we also had that option available to us.

Our journey isn’t over yet, we still have a long way to go. I have become a staunch supporter of breastfeeding and would love to see more support and education for it general. I plan on studying more about nutrition and natural health, and one day hope to work with other parents of allergic children to let them know that they have options, and they have support.

It’s not what you think. I didn’t have PPD. Nope. I had the complete opposite. Pure unadulterated bliss. Why is that so extraordinary? Because I have had depression for years. I have been on medicine since I was first diagnosed about seven years ago. A variety of types and various strengths – complemented with alternative ‘natural’ remedies as the years went on and I learned more about myself and depression. My husband and I were married for several years when we decided to try for a child. Under the guidance of my GP we lowered my dosage while we were trying to conceive. After much research and discussion it was decided it was better for my mental health to stay on anti-depressants but the lowest possible dosage for me than to try and come off them completely. It was a scary decision, I’ll be honest. The thought of going off them was scary, the thought of staying on them and the side effects on my unborn child even scarier. I read widely, as widely as possible in an understudied area of medicine – anecdotal, research, forums, blogs and articles. It’s understandable though, as it is an area fraught with medical, social, ethical and emotional baggage.

Besides having morning (all day) sickness and the stereotypical hormonal rollercoaster that is pregnancy I think I fared pretty well. I read a lot about pregnancy but also about HAVING A BABY. You know, the afterwards that no-one really prepares you for?? I didn’t want that unprepared feeling of ‘why did no-one warn me about this??!!’ So I did what most people would never dream of… I prepared for the worst case scenario. I imagined not loving my baby straight away – not have that ‘connection’. I envisaged a long c-section recovery (I was hoping for a natural birth, but preparing for the worst case). I read about all the worst side effects of the weeks after birth; the cramping and pain, the bleeding, tiredness etc. I listened to mums who said ‘when someone offers help, TAKE IT!’ To people who said ‘fill your freezer’, ‘let people hold your baby and you take a shower’ or ‘you’ll spend whole days in your pyjamas and that’s all right’.

Odd? Yup. Useful – you bet! When Henry was born, by emergency c section, a week after the February 22 earthquakes while the hospital was still rocking and we had no water… I fell instantly in love. The obstetrician held up a grey crying baby not breathing properly and my heart nearly leapt out of my chest with love. ‘Oh’ I sighed ‘I have THAT feeling, yes!’ He needed to go to NICU. (Side effect of my medicine) ‘That’s alright’ I told myself, ‘he’s in the best hands and I am here by his side’. NICU asked if I wanted to express or be called up at any hour to breastfeed. I chose the call up at any hour option so I could hold that big bundle of love whenever I could. We went home and I prepared myself to be very sore. I wasn’t, I just got constipated (you can’t have it all your own way). I got a post op infection and needed emergency care and four months of follow up. That was all right, we dealt with it. I ASKED family to stop by every day, do dishes, bring meals, take Henry for a walk or sit and talk. I had my down moments where I cried and thought ‘I can’t do this! What am I doing? Will this get better?’ but I just put them down to normal hormonal changes.

When I tell my story people are flabbergasted. My obstetricians’ house was ruined in the earthquake and he didn’t make it to my labour. The back up was great. The hospital was supposed to be prepared for my cord blood collection kit – they weren’t. It still got done. NICU didn’t ask to give Henry formula and they did. We were angry but made a point of being in their face from then on in. The hospital was on limited water supplies; Army helicopters were landing outside my window; big earthquakes were still happening; nurses from across the country came to help at the hospital so you always had someone different… the list honestly just goes on! We laugh now. We laughed then. If you didn’t laugh you would have cried and got nowhere anyway.

What is the point of rehashing all this melodrama? My expectations were low. So when things went well, it was great! I think modern society – movies, magazines, books etc have a lot to answer for with our expectations of birth and our baby’s newborn days. We associate pain with birth and then a babymoon bliss. When this doesn’t eventuate there is a disconnect. Women are left stranded, feeling angry, alienated and short-changed. Which leads me to my big kahuna question – is all PPD, PPD? Or is some of it just our unrealistic expectations? We aren’t surrounded by breastfeeding mums; a community bringing up a baby; babywearing; bedsharing and mums telling us about newborn cluster feeding won’t go to sleep ways! I suspect many of us have baby shock. Holy smoke how do I deal with this- this isn’t what I expected- no one told me about this shock.

I KNOW woman are out there with genuine PPD. I know woman who are afraid of going to their GP to say they think they have PPD. Yet, I still hear stories of mums going to the Dr to say ‘gosh this is a handful and I’m not sleeping so well’ and leaving with anti-depressants when really they need some support not drugs. I would be fascinated to know the rate of PPD in cultures where the mother is supported totally such as in India. I could be completely wrong, it’s just a hunch after all! I don’t want to scare new mums and mums to be, by preparing them for every worst possible case scenario. I just think we can do a better job by offering tangible support and helping her recreate that community that brings up a child. So if you know a new mama, think back to what would have helped you and pay if forward – fold her Mount Washmore, wash some week old dishes or ladies bring a plate. Let’s change that culture of expectations. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

Eleven weeks and counting. Yes, that’s eleven weeks until my man and I tie the knot – with our two-year-old in tow. By necessity, I am not a bridezilla.  How can I agonise over table decorations and favours when a toddler is crawling over my head? (I’m not even sure what favours are – please feel free to enlighten me in the comments box below…)

A calm bride?

I feel strangely calm about the whole event, and slightly bewildered by how obsessed – to the point of fetishisation, dare I say it – we all seem to be about weddings. Magazines, my peers and the world at large assume that for at least six months leading up to the happy event I must spend every waking hour on ‘wedmin’: planning every detail – from the exact colour scheme of the flowers in the venue, to what my bridesmaids will wear on their feet. And perhaps if I had the time I would… perhaps.

But I don’t because supper needs to be on the table, The Gruffalo’s Child needs to be read, and roly polys and dancing around the room all take priority.

For me, the most important things are the ceremony – and the big ol’ party afterwards. The opportunity to stand up in front of my family and my dearest friends and to say: “I love this man.”

When is the right time?

Perhaps we are doing it ‘the wrong’ way around. A couple of generations back I would have waddled up the aisle heavily pregnant and brimming with resentment.

Now, nudging slowly towards our mid-thirties, we may not be star-crossed young lovers with our whole future ahead of us, but we are sure that this is what we want.

We’ve lived the future that babies bring: feeling our daughter’s in-my-tummy kicks for the first time, enduring the emotional and physical pain of labour, and the long, hard nights those first newborn months bring.  Like animal-skin over a well-used drum, we’ve stretched our relationship to the limits and made some noise in the process.  But we’re still together.

So when we say “I do”: we’ll mean it.

Tips from my wedding journey – so far…

• We’ve chosen to ask my family to be heavily involved. Now, like most families, mine is loving, warm… and complicated so yes, a few tensions have arisen along the way. BUT, on the flip side, in the last few months the wedding has been a great excuse to meet up, to talk on the phone and generally to spend more time together. Their moral, practical and financial support has been invaluable.  Sadly, Marc’s family is based in New Zealand – we are possibly planning a Skype link-up with them – I’d love to hear from anyone who’s pulled this off at a wedding?

• Make a long list – stick it on the wall, and try to do one small task per day (easier said than done, I know!).

• Pinterest is a great way to organise ideas and inspirations. Here’s my wedding Pinterest page. It’s an invite only site at the moment so ask a friend who’s already a member to invite you or DM  @Natbabyshower or leave a request in the comments box here and I can invite you.

Has anyone else got any wedding-with-a- little-one-involved tips or advice?  I’d love to hear…  And if your friends would enjoy this post feel free to share it

Attachment.  If you don’t know about the history of the term attachment and how it came to be specifically applied to relationships then I suggest you read up on it here.  Yes, it started out as a theory, first espoused by John Bowlby, that focussed on the relationship between parent and child, note I said parent.  From the link I have referenced it states that:

“Its most important tenet is that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally.”

As Bowlby researched more and other researchers joined him from many different fields more things became apparent.  It was discovered that attachment types in childhood grew up to repeat these attachment models in their adult relationships.  Not just with their partners, but with their children, their colleagues, friends, almost with everyone they meet.  Your attachment type will dictate how you see relationships, it’s a schema, a road map that you then use for ALL human relationships.  We learn this schema when we are little, and so it IS crucially important to your child’s attachment schema that you try to develop a secure one for them.  BUT your schema can get in the way of this, just as your schemas can get in the way of all of your relationships.  Think of the woman who cannot leave an abusive man, think of the man who is dominated by his wife, think of all the relationships you have.  They will all be informed by your attachment schema.

The wiki link goes on to say that:

“The biological mother is the usual principal attachment figure, but the role can be taken by anyone who consistently behaves in a “mothering” way over a period of time. In attachment theory, this means a set of behaviours that involves engaging in lively social interaction with the infant and responding readily to signals and approaches. Nothing in the theory suggests that fathers are not equally likely to become principal attachment figures if they provide most of the child care and related social interaction.^“ 

I’d like to draw your attention to the phrase “responding readily to signals and approaches.”  This involves a certain respect for the child.  A respect that involves thinking that the child’s signals and approaches are to be respected enough TO respond to them readily.  This sort of relationship is one founded on a deep respect for needs.  One that provides a pattern for future relationships.  If you weren’t respected enough as a child then chances are your attachment schema was damaged, and your parenting work will bring up past hurts for you, whether you are aware of them or not.

So.  Attachment is a schema formed in infancy/childhood that can form a road map to all future relationships.  Attachment Parenting then must surely be a response to a child’s needs in a deeply respectful manner.

That’s it.

Attachment Parenting therefore is NOT:

• Co-sleeping/Bed sharing
• Baby Led Weaning
• Baby wearing
• Baby sign language
• Home Schooling
• Eating healthily
• Being anti medication/vaccinating
• Natural Childbirth or home birthing
• Lotus Birthing or Placenta consumption

It is not even BREASTFEEDING

I can anticipate that some of you might be shocked by this.  Let me elaborate.   Attachment parenting is ENHANCED by certain practices.  But is not EXCLUSIVE to certain practices.  It is founded on a DEEP respect for the relationship.  I can have an attachment relationship with my husband, and trust me, it doesn’t involve him consuming my breast milk from my breast.  Attachment relationships, including parenting are enchanted by certain techniques, practices, and behaviors.  Back to the breastfeeding example.  Fathers can and do form attachment relationships with their children without breastfeeding, some do so in the absence of the mother who may be deceased, but this does not mean that those children will not be parenting in an Attachment Parenting manner.   Some mothers genuinely cannot breastfeed, this does not exclude them from Attachment Parenting.  The only thing that truly excludes you from attachment parenting is when you fail to respond to your children’s needs in a respectful manner.  In fact this would be the thing that would exclude you from ANY relationship, when you fail to take the other’s needs into consideration.

All the things I listed above,  yes, they are useful, and they have come about because they serve a purpose and they enhance our attachment parenting, but we can still AP without them.  The road we tread might be harder, but it does not mean that it is impossible.

Remember attachment parenting is not the latest baby carrier.  It is not the latest crunchy fad, it is about the relationship.  It is about attachment writ large, it is about hoping that the dyad you are building between you and your child reaches past your own childhood, past your family, past your house and into the broader community and starts to effect change, big change.  It is about love.  Everything else is technique.

Giarne Harrison says:

I love TNP because I feel I can ask silly questions and get insightful answers, I can be me and not feel too different, I can be challenged, have my mind changed, debate passionately, enjoy new ideas, support others and have a cry or a laugh, Thanks TNP!! Xxx

Kathleen Munn says:

I love it here that I’m normal! And can see that there are an awful lot of us normal people out there <3 It’s reassuring in a world where so many parents are having their instincts undermined by what experts tell them they & their babies hold be doing.

Chloe AH says:

What TNP means to me:
Before I belonged to this page I actually was a bit lost to be honest. I belonged to a parenting page of mummas which did not share or understand my beliefs. I was fed up with feeling lonely, I emailed Pinky McKay my problem, she suggested natural parenting playgroup. I thought AHA! Natural parenting… so i scoured facebook and found tnp. I love how I feel like I just fit, I’ve never had like minded people in my life. I’ve had lots of people…. but no one that gets it. I know it sounds cliche but.. for the first time in my life, I feel I fit and am not judged by others. I wish I could catch a plane to NZ and personally thank you for the sense of community you have given my and so many. That just scratches the surface. xx

Aethalia O’Connor says:

Is a place where I can ask a whacky parenting question and get like minded responses and questions rather than being slammed for begin different to the norm. Or I could say is a place I can ask normal parenting questions and get like minded responses and questions rather than being slammed for being different to the whackyness

Libby Anderson says:

After my son was born I got a lot of support – the midwife visited every day, my Mum stayed with us for a week, my husband took time off work. It was great. When Ian was three months old, Grant went back to the office and I suddenly found things a lot tougher. Not just being alone with Ian all day, but feeling like a failure because I didn’t know what his cries meant and feeling stressed because he wanted attention all the time and I couldn’t keep up with the housework. I’m also really isolated because I have no family in Hamilton.

I somehow found the Natural Parent facebook page, and spent a lot of time on there while breastfeeding. On days when I felt at the end of my tether TNP made me feel sane. It made me feel normal. It made me feel like I could cope. It was a lifeline.

I’m a first time mum so being able to ask a question and get immediate answers has been amazing. And i always felt like i could ask anything here, it’s so welcoming no-one would ever make me feel stupid for asking. I’ve learned so much from TNP, and not just about parenting. I’m getting into MCN and bed sharing, but also using “wee wipes” and going ‘poo free and even making a conscious effort to eat more fresh and less processed food.

With over 3000 in the community, naturally they’re not all going to agree about everything. I don’t believe homeopathy works, and I get upset at the idea of not vaccinating, for example. At first I didn’t know how I’d be able to let these issues go. I even considered leaving the group. However, when I read posts from the admins, I was impressed by the acceptance and tolerance and wisdom. Nadine, Eileen, Gina and Hannah made everyone feel welcomed and appreciated and somehow managed to bind 3000 people together into one caring community. I was humbled by your patience and inspired by your passion. So, I’ve been learning how to get along with others even when I disagree with them.

What you’re doing is amazing. You are changing the world, a little bit at a time. I can’t tell you how much TNP means to me because when I read over what I’ve written it still seems inadequate. All I can say is, thank you. You have made a difference in my life and I appreciate everything you do.

Sarah Walker says:

I love everything that TNP stands for, I love that they are consistent in their message and their stance.  I also have a business that advertises int he magazine and it is the only publication I have EVER wanted to pay for advertising in, because I believe so much in what they promote.  TNP provide a safe place for people to learn, grow and unite … what a fabulous mix!  Keep up the good work on your wonderful community and publication xx

Joanna Pearson says:

It is the first magzazine I love looking at the ads in Love that they are home grown and support New Zealand Businesses too. The information in the articles just make me feel at home. I love learning more about birth and parenting.

Christina Murphy says:

I am late to the AP ‘lifestyle’…in fact I used to think AP parents were a bit weird, and let their children run riot over them. When DS1 was born we did things the ‘right’ way, even though this often caused conflicting emotions within me. We did CC, never allowed him in our bed, never fed/rocked to sleep all because we were assured that if we did these things we’ve have a clingy child who would never be able to do anything on his own; instead we ended up with a child who quite frankly I didn’t enjoy for the first 12 months of his life and who is still challenging to parent to this day. Never again was I going to allow people to tell me the ‘right’ way to parent so we decided to have a second child I was determined to do things differently…and in the end we did almost everything in the exact opposite way. LOL I didn’t realise that how we were choosing to parent had a ‘label’, I just decided to trust my instincts for a change, do what FELT right, and deal with whatever consequences may arise if necessary.

Thank you TNP for allowing me to be me, to not be on my own in a sea of despair that is being on the fringe of parenting circles. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, and allowing me to share my journey with others and for not having to worry overly much if I was going to be judged for doing everything ‘wrong by the mantra of current parenting ‘experts’. We are the experts on our children, and it’s been a privilege to be able to come to accept that it’s okay to do what feels right even if everyone else around me is doing something different.

Rosie Mitchell says:

It’s a safe place where I can ask question with like-minded parents.  Its somewhere to build new friendship for myself and my children.  Sometimes I just like to come here when I need to be cheered up.

Allanah Duffell says:

TNP – A place of support, guidance, advice and passion that is real, non biased and passionate. I love that I have become so much closer to my daughter and my husband since becoming fully confident in my parenting and relationship. If I need a lift or reinforcement I have a safe place to get it and I have gained so much from the wonderful people at TNP in a relatively short time. There is also the laughter and giggles that come from the beautiful photos and links – and talking about the mishaps that come with parenting – but knowing it will all come out in the wash!! I so wish many more would embark on this caring journey – I have learnt it is more than okay to parent with love as opposed to rules xx

Ceara Brigitte Prout says:

More often than not, if I have a ‘parenting problem’ my first thought is, you should ask the TNP ladies about this, BUT most of the time I get on and after reading the threads my questions have already been answered : ) . TNP is my BEST resource as a parent. When my sister showed me the first copy of TNP, I literally sat down and read it cover to cover (which I have never done with any other magazine), it was a revelation to me, after reading the article ‘Ecstatic Birth’ I suddenly realised why the birth of my son had gone so horribly wrong, I sincerely wish I had read it before I had him, I am totally convinced the outcome of my birth experience would have been completely different if I had. Hannah, Nadine, Eileen and Gina, I don’t think you realise the profoundly positive impact you have had, and continue to have on so many women’s (and men’s) lives, you are all a tonic in this crazy world, and I am VERY grateful that I found you. Massive cyber hug to you all ♥♥♥

Deborah Stabel Tran says:

Love the TNP community all the way from Dallas, Tx,USA. Being around no family except my husband & kids it’s good to feel like you have great group of people you can turn to that share similar child rearing philosophies. Your constant presence has kept me sane on a couple long nights up with the baby!

Carin Robinson says:

I love TNP so damn much. I live in a town with no support and TNP has been my shining light in what can often be a lonely darkness. TNP provides me with the love, support and guidance that I would otherwise be without. xxx

Pip Edinborough says:

For quite a while I have been aware that I wasn’t “quite the same” as other mums. It started with wanting to have my baby close to me all the time, because that is what I felt she needed – so babywearing ( in just about every situation!), bed sharing, totally demand feeding etc etc. Being in tune with my baby was suddenly very important to me. It felt wrong to even consider leaving my baby to cry - after all, wasn’t he trying to communicate? Gradually I became aware that this was not the “encouraged” way to parent and I was in the minority. But I was happy enough with lots of other friends around who just accepted that I was a bit crazy – I mean who wouldn’t want their baby to sleep all night, or leave them with someone else while they went out for a break right? But it was fine. When I had my third baby 17mths ago I realised that our style of parenting was good, and we wouldn’t change it, then I found a wonderful group of women who actually agreed with me – LLL. Ah acceptance and acknowledgment that I was ok! But by this stage I was hungry for more support! One day I stumbled on this fb site for The Natural Parent Magazine, woah! Totallly me! Through and through, other parents looking for the same things, and getting it! Got a question – ask and you shall receive. Looking for support – its there. Lots of different people all looking for acceptance and support to parent whilst listening to their children. Do I “feel the love”? You better believe it! Thank-you TNP, your page and magazine are fantastic and I am better for being a part of it. xxx

Maryana Lishman says:

At this point at time, I have NEVER been prouder or more sure of my decision to subscribe to and support the values of The Natural Parent Magazine.  Before I had my daughter I really had little idea of what kind of mum I would be.  In a big part, due to the magazine and online community you have helped me make many decisions that have raised my confidence as a parent and I know we are on the right track.  It means so much to me to be a part of this and I wanted you to know – Hannah, Nadine, Eileen and Gina as well as all the mothers and fathers who have helped give me and others advice and support – how much I appreciate it. Love Maryana and Baby xx

Rebekah Lipp says:

I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to The Natural Parent Magazine for standing by your core attachment parenting values and making me feel like I am not alone in the parenting style that I have chosen. Thank you for being a place of positivity that is filled with such smart and helpful ladies. The community that has formed and grows by the day is something to be proud of. You feel like HOME – THANK YOU ♥

SarahandReuben Bloomfield says:

people that are like me, someone to talk to, bounce ideas off and share ideas

Katie Newton says:

Instincts, person to person, relationships having top priority

Shannon Neill says:

Information, shared experiences, support

Jeanna Rodgers says:

Non judgemental

Hayley O’Callaghan says:

it’s like a big, fat, virtual hug

Rona Duff says:

This is a place where i feel supported, am never judged, feel free to be open and honest and where i come to multiple times a day to be around like minded mums who i can be myself with. It is not always easy to find people like that in real life unfortunately and in real life i so often feel the minority for my parenting choices. Here i feel normal and sensible. No-one will bat an eyelid that i breastfeed my 17 month old and sleep with her every night. People here understand why i don’t use time out/sleep training etc. Without having to explain.

Tnp has also taught me to be less judgmental about things which are not right for me but are for others. It has also given me new ideas about changes i can make in my life and home to be more eco friendly. I never knew baking soda had more than one use until i found you lol! It has also shown me the changes and positive effects a passionate group of parents can have when they do something for their love and belief (and not money)

Thank you tnp. You have changed my experience of parenting since returning to nz in May.
♥

Jody Coppins says:

It’s somewhere where I’m not judged and where the things I do ( co-sleeping, bf) are the norm And where I’m not the crazy lady lol

Alicia Hall says:

TNP is an important part of my life. Last year I had PND after my second child was born. I underwent counselling and came through the other side. Then I found TNP. I cant even begin to describe how much my life changed for the better. My confidence in my parenting grew as I wasnt the wierdo anymore, I was permitted to love my children in an attached way. I could ask any question I wanted with fear of being slammed by judgemental comments. I now have an endless source of resources at my fingertips. I love my TNP family very much and I now have a happier marriage and a happy home. Not perfect but happy AND real. Thanks TNP for allowing me to be me warts and all xoxox

Chantal Austin says:

TNP means a place to meet other Mum’s with the same/similar ideals in regards to parenting as me, a place to meet new friends IRL as well as virtually. ♥ the new fabulous friends I’ve made via this place

Jenny Dewar says:

I love the “food for thought” TNP provides, the links to awesome articles. I also really appreciate the regional groups and meeting and awesome “tribe” of people in real life. I LOVE that I don’t have to feel like the weird one for some of my parenting choices.

Pruedence Simpson says:

everything its such a wonderful concept and such wonderful lovely people I feel supported and loved by all other TNPers. I love that we are all trying to be better parents and be better role models as well as looking after our body, skin & planet

Fleur Garmonsway says:

support for all parents, whilst remaining passionate and true to their AP beliefs that’s why I ♥ it cause everyone is made to feel welcome

Adre Hunter says:

Home, My tribe

Trudie O’Regan says:

I feel supported, proud & blessed to be apart of TNP community. I have made some very special friends & shared many laughs. I feel at home here, I feel like I’m a part of something. I ♥ TNP

Brooke Strachan says:

TNP helps me to follow my instincts and know that they are right, even if everyone around me is telling me otherwize and doing something different. To me it is about being an informed parent- I am learning new things everyday thanks to TNP. Not only does it make me a better parent but I feel like a more positive and less judgemental person because of everyone here. I love being able to talk freely about some very alternative things (eating my placenta for example) and not only not being judged, but have advice and support from so many others! I am a true TNP addict!

Dani Aimee Fenwick says:

I have met the most amazing group of friends who are incredible mothers and make me strive to be a better parent daily. The support of everyone when your having a bad parenting day turns everything around!

Bec Barrer says:

It’s pretty cool. My son will probably appreciate it more than I do, if you know what I mean.

Kimberley Forsyth says:

I love all the new ideas and information that I gain through TNP Facebook page.

Asha MooMaree Brown Cow says:

It is very informative, I love the

support and helpful advice and also being able to give (hopefully) helpful advice. I wish I had found it when DS was a bubba.

Sarah Kelly says:

TNP – tender, nurturing people.

Katrina Crooks Onyema says:

It’s so great to have a tribe of likeminded mamas where we can all pool our thoughts to make us better parents. I also love that I am constantly challenged in my ideas about all sorts of things and like Rona said, become more accepting of some things that aren’t right for me but which others do. I think the regional groups are pretty awesome too. It’s a special group of people who can make it work IRL too!

Lindsay Wilson says:

Community!

Catherine Pottinger says: ‎

‘Finding TNP was a definate life changer! I have always been at a bit of a loss with some of the aspects of parenting and found some parenting advice I was given just didn’t sit right with me. Reading everyones views on so many topics that are relevent to us we are able to work towards parenting in a much better way, I’m just sorry for my older two I didn’t discover it earlier.. Thank you TNP

Renee Lyons says:

Dear eileen, hannah, nadine

As you know, I’m solo mother extrodionaire to one small boy. What you probably know is he and I live alone in our own house. His father visits sporadically. My mother visits ocassionally. I am very much alone in my parenting journey, so I get a lot of support from the internet. While pregnant, I joined ohbaby forums and my own due in January group. When our babies hit the magic 6 week mark conversation turned to routines (tizzie hall was the creme de la creme) and how to cry it out so baby would self settle. After all, we all know if baby doesnt learn by 3 months they will start to wake in the night every 45 minutes and demand resettling in the same fashion they were put to sleep. Time was running out for my baby and I, and i began to panic. I spent hours putting him to sleep but because i wasnt “strong enough” to leave him to cry and I always ended up rocking him even when I had vowed to stay strong and leave him in the cot. I sobbed on the phone to his father, plunketline, friends. I posted on Facebook in desperation and I got one gem amungst the crud – a girl I knew casually at uni. She said her boy, 7 months has never gone to sleep unless i feed or rock him. Fuck me – another person who can’t do crying i thought! Then she mentioned this forum where people were different. And so i discovered TNP.

And not before time. Next came pepe group where I held my baby close while the others rocked in capsules. I spoke of feeding my baby to sleep while the others gave formula hoping for a longer sleep. Without tnp and support it gave I would have been in tears as the alien of this group, I was excluded and ridiculed but I didn’t mind.

Next step, solids. Thank GOD I knew about blw – Fergus wasn’t keen on purees anyway. I was told I was dangerous, Fergus would choke, I should give him farex and pear. But it was all good – tnp was behind me.

By this stage we were a fulltime cosleeping duet, and I had long since given up the tedious attempts at “self settling”. He was still merrily breastfed on demand – and through the night too! He ate off my plate and I “still” carried him. Thoroughly excommunicated from my regular groups I barely battered an eyelid. I had my very own new tribe, and our get togethers were grand as our cloth bummed babies roamed free, casually breastfed and snatched food of tables.

I cannot even begin to express how much tnp means to me. Eileen, you make me think so hard and open my mind, nadine you always amaze me with your personal touches, and hannah you mysterious beast, I love you too, mastermind!

Fergus turned one last week. We camped with our new tribe. He’s the happy, and I’m happy – and i credit it to you folks. I wouldn’t have the courage, patience or strength to do this alone.

When, therefore, the Health Sponsorship Council (HSC) looked for prominent and respected New Zealanders to lend their support to the new No-Smoking campaign Piri Weepu was a top choice. Piri is an athlete, and an extraordinarily talented one. His recommendations and advice are treated with respect and many New Zealanders aspire to be like Piri.

During the making of the campaign there was a query over the section where Piri was feeding his daughter a bottle and the HSC, clearly not wanting to undo on one hand what they were hoping to fix with the other, contacted LaLeche League (LLL) the breastfeeding support charity, Plunkett and the New Zealand College of Midwives for advice and input.

All three organisations reported back that the image of Piri, such a powerful advocate for the health of the nation, could have a negative effect on breastfeeding rates in New Zealand.

The HSC understood that if including Piri in the no-smoking campaign could reduce smoking then there was a risk of him unwittingly being seen to endorse bottle feeding over breastfeeding. The success of breastfeeding often hinges on the support a woman receives around her. If her family feel ‘If its good enough Piri Weepu, its good enough for my son/daughter’ the number of babies receiving breastmilk could fall, along with the number of smokers.

It was with shock  therefore that I read the story that was printed in the NZ Herald.

“Sometimes you can’t hear yourself think for the noise of special-interest groups. A Health Sponsorship Council anti-smoking campaign, which starts on television tonight, was to have featured All Black halfback Piri Weepu bottle-feeding his baby. The imagery – advancing the campaign’s key message about rejecting a future of smoking – emphasised the role of parents in bringing their kids up as non-smokers.

But the ad was re-edited after a furious response from breast-feeding advocacy groups, led by the La Leche League and the New Zealand College of Midwives, who said it undermined campaigns to promote and support breastfeeding, particularly among Maori.”

Piri’s supporters were outraged!
Families all over the country who had used formula were outraged!
How dare LLL and the College of Midwives condemn a national hero in this way!  Mothers who had used formula felt their parenting choices were being disparaged and heartbreaking stories of women who had fought hard to breastfeed but ultimately needed formula for the health of their child and themselves were posted all over the internet. Breastfeeders were also outraged to be portrayed in this way and many found it deeply offesive. Facebook and social media sites across the internet lit up as the story went viral.

During this entire time the public finger of blame was pointed directly at LLL, the New Zealand College of Midwives and any group which was seen to be publicly supporting breastfeeding in New Zealand. The Natural Parent Magazine took its own share of the anger and disgust and some virulent posts were made on our Facebook page. The story had gained momentum and had snowballed into this:

La Leche League, along with other rabid breastfeeding enforcers had see that an advert was to be launched in which Piri Weepu was seen bottle feeding his daughter and had contacted the authorities and campaigned to have it removed, thus slighting every woman who had ever needed to use formula as well as disrespecting and criticising a national hero.

As a breastfeeding mother, Editor of The Natural Parent Magazine, and Administrator of our Facebook page with over 3000 families I can tell you that this is untrue.

The advert was a health promotion advert, part of the HSC campaign to reduced smoking.

LLL were contacted prior to publication because they have experience in this field. Concerns had been raised because the community in which they wished to affect the most change was also the one that would most benefit from a positive image of breastfeeding. Breastfeeding and child health rates are lower in Maori groups and the government and research state that there are links between the two. It would not have been appropriate to link Piri to such an issue.

No criticism had been made of the families that were already using formula. None, including Piri’s own. The decision is entirely their own: LLL, The Natural Parent Magazine and others are there to give parents advice and support so they can make an informed decision about what is best for them and their children. We do not dictate. We wouldn’t stand for it ourselves and we don’t do it to others.

Piri Weepu was never criticised for feeding his daughter from a bottle. There was discussion over whether or not there was formula or breastmilk in the bottle, but there was another message here, that of a father caring for his child. He was proving how a powerful and talented man can be tender and caring with his family. The Natural Parent Magazine members and staff had universal respect for this.

Taken over the entire country babies and children who are breastfed have less health issues as both children and adults. I do not mean none. I do not mean it makes them immune to any disease or ailment. I do not say that formula fed children cannot be healthy, or that your family might not appear an exception, but if you look at the figures overall and speaking plainly; breastfeeding reduces illness and therefore the part of the ad showing Piri bottle feeding his daughter was out of place in a public health campaign. Thats all there was to it. There was no underlying attack on formula feeding parents, it was all about looking forward to the children not yet been born.

If you had difficulties breastfeeding and for one reason or another you needed to use formula then you understand that this information is very important to the next generation of breastfeeding mothers. To help them give breastfeeding a shot, receive help through any difficulties and support to continue. If you ever valued breastfeeding at all please lend your support, your advice and your experience to the next generation of mothers who might be facing the same challenges.

I was very upset about the way Piri’s story spiraled out of control. New Zealand families were pitted against each other to no good cause.

Piri and his mother will be on tv tonight and I wonder how much they have heard and been influenced? Have they heard that breastfeeders have been attacking his job as a father? Are they going on tv to stand up to the breastfeeders they have falsely been told disrespected them? I can only hope and pray that the real facts have been made clear to them. Enough assumptions and speculations, we’re happy to talk if people will only stop shouting and listen.

As we emerge from our collective NYE hangover, the news as usual is full of doom over binge drinking – especially teenage binge drinking.

It’s a grim thought to imagine that a decade down the line, our beaming babies and angelic toddlers will be rebellious teens ready to swipe the contents of our drinks cabinet if we dare turn our backs.

Time to lock up the drinks cabinet…

But a BBC report I read this morning will cheer any parents out there who, like me, aim to create a secure attachment with their babies and pre-schoolers.

Apparently, “high levels of parental attachment when children were aged under five significantly reduced the chances of them drinking excessively later in life.”

A big thumbs up then for breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby carrying – who knew that we could prevent alchohol-induced A&E visits and save millions, by simply issuing a sling to all new parents!

According to the report, “parenting style is one of the strongest influences on how a child drinks as a young adult.”

The secret, apparently, is to be warm and affectionate to your kids until age 10 then combine this with discipline – ages 15 and 16, especially, need more supervision.

The study by independent think tank Demos looked at 15,000 children born in the UK in the last 40 years.

Important factors included whether the family shared meals, how much time was spent together, whether parents knew where their teenage kids were in the evenings and how often household rules were broken.

One conclusion, that doesn’t come as a massive surprise, was that bad parenting at 16 saw teenagers 8-times more likely to binge drink and over twice as likely to drink heavily at 34.

“Tough love” is key, it claims, which according to Demos consists of children conforming to negotiable rules and parents giving kids some autonomy in decision making.

What do you think? Does the connection between early-parenting and teen binge drinking make sense to you? What’s your style of parenting? I’d love to hear!

This post was first published on Natural Baby Shower’s blog. Read more posts here >>

Let me be clear you are NOT alone.

Your anger is not uncommon.  I too lose the plot, far more than I should.  I scream at my kids, I yell at my kids, and I say hurtful things, and I have done this many, many times.  This behavior is not about them, it is about me.  It’s all about me.  Something happens, something flips my lid and then I see red.  I stop seeing the full rainbow and I see only red.

Anger is not an acceptable emotion for women, and even less so for mothers.  We are meant to be totally forgiving, meant to be endlessly calm, meant to be a font of all things peaceful and calm.  That’s a ruse to fool us, and one that binds us carefully to a culturally constructed image of motherhood that eats us away internally, like an acid eating away at our soul.

I’m here to strip it away and stomp all over it.  You are allowed to be angry,  In the instance you described to me, I would be raving mad, I would be spitting invectives, I would be close to making a voodoo doll about the person you referred to!  The problem with our cultural discourse is that women are not allowed to be angry.  When we are angry we are called emotional, histrionic, heck – there was a whole industry on studying women’s “hysteria” some of which was probably deeply buried rage.  Fortunately some of that has ebbed away, but we still haven’t been provided with a good model of female anger.  Indeed, I could go so far as to say we don’t even have a good model of anger for men, however at the moment I’m talking about women’s anger, a mother’s anger.

I’ve been so angry that I have actually wanted to hurt my children.  I didn’t, but I wanted to.  Things have happened that have made me so angry that I no longer see the whole rainbow, I see red.  There is the good parent wailing, whimpering in the background of my mind telling me that I will regret my filthy outburst, but the nasty parent figuratively slaps her into submission and continues on her raging path.  She is my Red Queen.

What have I done to help my Red Queen, because she is me, and she gives me so much fire.  She gives me the passion to do the things I do.  She gives me the strength to keep going, she gives me the strength to rage against the machine.  So I love her, I do not want to kill her, she is me.  What can I say to you, TNP Mum, to help you make peace with your Red Queen?  Firstly, you are not alone.  Secondly find someone, anyone, you can be honest with, someone you can talk to, someone you can text, someone you can rant to.  Someone who understands, someone who has a Red Queen too.

Thirdly, I suggest you think about your anger models.  Who have you seen be angry?  What were they angry about?  Who informed your anger pattern, who taught your Red Queen her modus operandi?  And who does your Red Queen need to be like?  Once we understand where our Red Queen got her wrong path from, you can start to set her on the right one.   My Red Queen, she was gifted to me by my mother, and she by hers.  I have decided to remake my Red Queen, I’ve given her a makeover, sometimes she forgets, but more often than not she remembers now.  And when she doesn’t I wrap her in my arms and I forgive her, and I tell her it’s ok, because it’s hard to change patterns gifted to you before you could even interpret them.

And so, TNP Mum, I wrap my arms around you and offer you friendship, your Red Queen is not indication you are weak, it is not an indication that you might be suffering from mental illness.  I suspect it is a sign of your strength, and it is wonderful, and to find it’s true direction it needs toning, like any good muscle.

Much love, from one Red Queen to another

XXX

All that winding and jiggling with a writhing, squirmy baby hurts. Not an ‘ow I stubbed my toe’ kind of hurt, but a deep aching throb. By 5am I am tired, hungry, sore and in need of food and a hot drink – usually my drug of choice is coffee. So I start my day a tad titchy to be honest. I dread my 5am wake up call but try my best to be positive and happy towards my son. After all, it’s not his fault. It’s reflux and allergies.

Reflux. Allergies. Colic. Words you hear bandied about with mums and in parenting forums a lot. Those terms are weighed down with many implications. Breastmilk or formula? Colic or reflux? Reflux or bad parenting? Bad parenting or bad baby? Born this way or developed into this way? Early weaning or extended breast feeding… The list is nearly endless. Three words that have a large ripple effect on your lifestyle. As an AP mama – a child centred way of life – I have done my utmost to make DSs life as comfortable as possible. I think it’s worked, as people say he is one of the happiest baby’s they have met.

Speaking of happy babies – before DS was born, I heard about ‘The Happiest Baby on the Block’ by Dr Harvey Karp
and the five S’s. (Shh-ing, swaddling, sucking, swinging/movement and side/stomach position). I thought I would be sussed. To begin with, the five S’s worked reasonably well. After the three month mark their effectiveness decreased. I needed more ammunition in my baby settling arsenal. Cue research. I investigated colic. Then discounted it. DS didn’t meet enough of the criteria. Phew. The idea of colic positively terrified me. Crying with no reason and no end in sight? That’s the stuff parental nightmares are made of. Then  I stumbled upon ‘Getting Attached’ article by Jane McConnell on The Natural Child Project website. (Thanks Google)  I was challenged… Did colic really exist? Did I know what colic actually meant? Was colic just a Western term for ‘us’ Westerners not understanding baby’s cries? Hmm… Did I know colic was not even a term or word used in some cultures as they were so in tune with their babies needs? Double hmmm… I was determined to get to the bottom of DSs cries and therefore his needs. If it wasn’t colic – what was it? I knew DS was trying to communicate with us, we just couldn’t interpret what he was trying to tell us.

I had begun to dread night times. As I lay awake next to DS, my heart sank every time he twitched. Was he about to stir and start grizzling or would I get another few minutes reprieve? Fortunately, because we bed share, DS never has to cry. He just needs to start  squirming and whining a little and I know what’s coming. Winding. Every now and then I would doubt myself and leave him to see if he could do this elusive ‘self settle’ I’d heard so much about. Was he crying for food or attention? No. Always no. I knew that deep down yet still checked every now and then by leaving him for a few seconds longer than usual. And people would add their two cents worth “oh I suppose he’s just used to waking now”. No. It was winding time. When it gets to the morning sometimes I have no idea how we arrived there. I jiggle DS sitting on the side of the bed and maybe I’m so good now I’ve become a sort of human goldfish, sleeping with my eyes open?? I’ll twitch and catch myself falling asleep and think wow, how long have I been here?!

I’ve massaged, patted and prodded. We’ve wiggled, jiggled and jumped.  I’ve  rubbed and rubbed. We’ve done cycle movements, leg pumps, tummy massages and back rubs. Colic hold, over the leg hold, baby whisperer technique – if you can name it or google it we’ve tried it. Infacol, gripe water, chamomile. Swaddles, wrap me up’s, sleeping bags or free range. On me, on DH, in a cot or on our bed. Late night, early night, anywhere in between night. Routine, no routine. It’s a big ol’ checklist to get through.

Through trial and error we have found some stuff that works. We have pulled together a compilation of techniques from my midwife, LLL, Dr Sears, the Analytical Armadillo, Kellymom, Pinky McKay, Elizabeth Pantley and TNP to create our routine. Yet I knew I needed to get to the source of the problem. These were all coping mechanisms not the root cause.

Little by little I compiled a list of ‘stuff’ I noticed. The wet burps; hiccups; coughing; excessive drool and sore ears. The writhing and arching of his back. The persistent need to be winded. His squirming from 3am to that 5am wake up call. I gathered up enough courage and blurted to the Dr ‘I think DS has reflux’ and he said ‘yes, sounds like it, let’s try Gaviscon as a diagnostic tool’. Oh. Alright. I’d been told three times before that time that it was just ‘babies being babies’ and ‘he’ll grow out of it’. So colour me surprised when a Dr agreed with me.

Gaviscon was hell. Squirting 15ml (three syringes full) of liquid into a squirmy, squealing baby is NOT easy. It’s not even hard – it’s beyond hard. It breaks your heart forcing something into a non complying little human. It helped a little. We fulfilled our prerequisite fortnight and trudged back to the Dr. ‘Good’ he said. ‘He definitely has reflux’. Oh. Alright. Time for Losec it seemed. It helped a little too. To cut a long story short, we tried the osteopath, chiropractor, the bed tilt, small frequent feeds, put him in a sling etc etc all chipping away at his unhappiness and easing things bit by bit.

It gets to eight months and DS is sitting and crawling but still waking over six times a night. Not only is DS unhappy at night but mama is fast approaching a brick wall. We haven’t slept more than two hours at once in months. I sleep when DS sleeps and nap during the day. I feel lazy and incompetent but the naps hold me together. I do one last push at the Dr for a specialist referral and I get one. A weight is lifted off my shoulders.

My prodding, pushing and probing gets me to the specialist. I’m very nervous – what if he says nothing is wrong?! That’s worse than finding something is wrong surely – that I’m a hypochondriac first time mother overwrought and imagining things?? At the end of the consult we agree he has reflux, an egg allergy, and a possible gluten intolerance. The Dr reassures me no amount of winding would have solved his problems. Phew. He doesn’t have a sleep problem, he has a ‘help I feel yuck’ problem. Double phew. After a week and a half some things are better, but some are worse. Cranky mama marches back to the Dr. We add dairy to the list of no go’s for mama and baby.

We are getting closer to the end of our journey I believe. My determination and doggedness has gotten us thus far. Now I am angry. I had to hunt high and low for the right type of child centred support I felt was needed. I’ve read more than most parents would. I’ve read sleep websites that would make a weaker personality doubt themselves and their intuition. (And just force a baby into a schedule and not get to the real problem.) I’ve read reflux support stories where mums have been given blatantly incorrect information such as how much milk you pump is how much milk you’re breasts produce (very wrong!) i.e. You don’t make enough let’s put baby on formula. When you are sleep deprived and desperate baby whisperers make sense to some people (feed four hourly, put towels under baby and remove once baby has vomited making sure you haven eye contact lest they think they have ‘won’). But resist!

I know there are other mamas out there like me. I hear you on the TNP boards. There are many different stories out there, Feel free to email me yours. I’ve vowed to make a one stop shop resource for families of refluxy and allergic babies full of correct, researched, child centred AP type ideas to help. Paying it forward. It’s the least I can do when TNP has saved my sanity.